Best Conference Weekend Ever
There are just some words that strike fear into the heart of a person, you know? For Falkner, it’s ‘electrical storm’. Whitney’s scared of a lot of things. Mostly things that involve getting lost alone in the middle of the night, or the Department Store running low on the stock of her favourite shampoo. Bugsy isn’t scared of anything as far as I know. I think it’s because he’s still so young. Kids aren’t really scared of anything these days. Okay, so he’s not exactly a kid but he's still young. Teenagers are invincible, or they think they are. I don't know if Bugsy thinks he’s invincible or not. He probably does. But that thing I was just saying, about how there’s one word that can scare you stupid? Mine is stupid to begin with. It only happens once every two years but that’s way too often for my liking. I’d like it more if it was only once every four years or something because then I’d have more time in between. But this one event that scares me? The Bi-Annual National Gym Leaders’ Association Meeting.
Why is that so petrifying? I’m not worried about losing my Gym. I'm not worried about the funding I get being lower again this year, I’m doing pretty well in that area. I mean, I’m doing well because I don't repair minor damage because I feel like it adds to the atmosphere and everything. What? I run a Ghost Gym, I’ve got to at least try to make the kids scared. I'm not worried about all these fancy Leaders coming in from Hoenn and Sinnoh. Why should I be? I can't even think of any other towns with as much history as Ecruteak. I’m sure they exist, I really just can't remember them. Anyway, that thing I'm scared of? I’m worried that I’ll fuck up in from of all those other Gym Leaders. Last conference I spent the whole ‘this is how you keep your wins up’ lecture staring at the lighbulb above the podium. At least it looked like I was paying attention. That is until Falkner accidentally elbowed me when he moved and I started laughing. He escorted me out of the hall and made me sit on the floor outside until I calmed down. I never heard the end of that lecture.
I know how it’s going to end. I really do. I'm going to make an idiot out of myself but it’s going to be worth it. The Leaders start arriving tomorrow. They’ll be staying in the towns around Olivine, because that’s where it’s going to be held. But I can't tell you the whole story before I’ve lived it, can I? Because sometimes I’m wrong. Maybe I won't make an idiot out of myself. Maybe something will stop me from looking like a moron at the conference. Maybe.
Okay. Wow. I didn't make an idiot out of myself at the conference. Do you know why? I didn't even make it to the conference. And before you start, all ‘oh, look, Morty slept through it again’ or ‘oh look, Morty got trapped in the vortex of infomercials again’, I didn't. At least not the whole time. I can't help it. I like infomercials. I don't ever buy anything from them but I fucking love the idea that they’ll give you extra shit for free. I bet it’s not free, I bet they charge you for it somehow. But anyway. The conference.
From what I hear it went pretty well and everything, so Falkner says anyway. He won't tell me if anything important or interesting happened because he says I should have been there and that I let Ecruteak down because I let my personal life get in the way. Which isn’t entirely true because he’s pretty involved in my personal life and he made it to the conference just fine.
I was playing personal host to a couple of guys from Sinnoh. Because the Gym’s living space is pretty small when you think about it I was only going to take on one of them, but they said that it didn't matter and then did some kind of rock-paper-scissors game to see who had to sleep on the couch. The redhead lost. A couple of their friends, other Sinnoh leaders were in Ecruteak as well because when the conference was being organised I volunteered Eusine’s place without asking him. I thought it was funny, he didn't. But he had the leader from Oreburgh, Roark, I think it was, staying with him as well as one of the girls from Hoenn. Falkner was against the whole ‘leaving me on my own with two out of town leaders’ thing for obvious reasons. The obvious reason was that he personally hadn’t checked my spare room in months but I'm sure that was just because he couldn’t remember if he’d left anything in there or not. He hadn’t, as it turned out. The less obvious reason was that one of them wasn't even a Leader; Falkner didn't want me to make an idiot out of myself in front of the Sinnoh Elite Four representative. I did.
“So this one is my room and that one is the spare room and the couch is back there and I think I'm going to make some tea do you want some?”
Flint and Volkner just stared at me when I stopped in the hallway. I just stared back. Someone would have to say something eventually, right? And besides, I’d asked the question. If they didn't answer then they’d look like the morons. Bigger morons, anyway. I’d known them long enough to walk back from Olivine and I was already spouting bullshit.
“Yeah,” Volkner replied slowly. Or maybe I just thought he said it slowly. “Which room was yours again?” He sniggered.
“That one’s mine and that one’s where you can sleep.”
He was baiting me. I walked away then because I really wanted to make the tea, I really just felt like I needed it, you know? Maybe you don't. But I needed the tea so I walked away; at least it looked like I was just giving them space to settle in. I heard them muttering to themselves as they walked back down the hall a few minutes later, it was something about Johto being warmer than most of Sinnoh, I'm pretty sure Volkner lives by the ocean though so I don't know what that was about.
“So, Morty,”
“Yes?” I pushed two of the cups across the table. Gengar walked through the wall that lead to the hallway outside; I guess he was going to play with the other Ghosts downstairs in the battle arena. I didn't mind. “Oh, shit, are you guys hungry? It’s a pretty long trip from Sinnoh, isn’t it? I’ve got food somewhere too. I know I’ve got cookies but Falkner hid them last night, oh shit, they’re not really for sharing. I have some chicken that I didn't eat at lunch, do you want some chicken?”
They were staring at me again. The chicken comment might have been a bit too much.
“No, thanks.” Volkner said with a smirk.
“I have other shit.” I stood up from my place at the table. The floor seemed really far down that day for some reason. “Like, I’ve got some rice, I've always got rice. Do you eat much rice? I don't know if they have rice in Sinnoh. Me and Falkner are supposed to go to Sinnoh sometime, he’s the Leader in Violet so we’re always fucking busy. And I don't mean that we’re busy fucking, we’re not, you can’t do that while the Gyms are open because I'm here and he’s there and what the fuck was I talking about?”
I was sitting back at the table by then. I didn't do anything, I just stood up and talked and then sat down again. I don't know how they didn't say anything sooner.
“Fucking Gym Leaders.” Volkner said.
“Oh, right. No wait, I was not.” I frowned. “And I’m only fucking one of them, it’s not like, all of them. Did I make you some tea?”
“Yep.” Volker had a box of matches in his hand by then, just spinning them between his fingers and opening and closing the box. It was almost as if he was bored.
“So, like I was trying to say before, Morty,” Flint started. I tried to sit up a little straighter because, fuck, he's Elite Four. Even I know that they deserve some fucking respect.
“Yeah?” I said casually, or I hoped it was casually.
“Are you stoned?”
“Me?”
“Yeah, you.”
“No way.” I picked up my cup. “Don't touch the stuff. Never have. Won't. Is it obvious?”
“Yes.”
“No.” The simple fact that they both spoke at the same time was enough to set me off. I have no idea why it was so funny because seriously, all they did was answer the question two different ways. There’s nothing funny about that. But there I was, collapsed backwards onto the floor laughing like a maniac. Haunter floated through the room then and joined in for a while, I remember he licked my face because it made me laugh even harder. I have no idea what Flint and Volkner did while I was laughing. I think they just sat there drinking their tea and talking about some project that Volkner was working on at home. Apparently he’s refurbishing his Gym again. Apparently he does that a lot.
“So that’s a yes I’ll take it.” Flint was grinning by the time I sat back up. I think I’d been on the floor for almost ten minutes.
“It’s a yes to you but a no to anyone that rings or comes to the door or asks. Yeah, if they ask it’s still a no. Don't fucking tell the Association, I know it’s a weekday but it’s late and the Gym is closed and according to their rules I’m allowed to do what I want when the Gym’s closed. I just forgot that the conference was tomorrow so I forgot that I’d have someone staying here and do you want some tea? I really want to make some tea.”
“Just made it.” Volkner pointed to the teapot that I’d filled earlier and when I looked back there was a cigarette in his mouth.
“Don't light that.”
“What?”
“Don't smoke in the house.” I said.
“What?”
Volkner clearly had a limited vocabulary around people he didn't know too well.
“I don't smoke in the house.”
“Bullshit you don't, Morty. I smelt it halfway up the stairs.”
“Don't smoke tobacco.” I grinned. “It’s different.”
“How is it different?”
“It just is.” I said that like it was an argument worth considering. “Are you sure you're not hungry? I really do have food in the kitchen, or I did last time I checked.”
“Nah, look, I don't seriously have to go outside, do I?” Volkner still had the unlit cigarette in his mouth, I remember that because I didn't answer him for almost two minutes; I was too busy wondering how he wasn't mumbling with it there. “Morty?”
“Huh? Oh, yeah, you do. When you go down the stairs you have to go through the door on the left. The one on the right goes into the Gym.” I said. I thought I did well, remembering all that. Volkner nodded and stood up from the floor, taking his matches and cigarettes with him and leaving me with Flint. You know, the very same Flint that is part of the Sinnoh Elite Four? The representative for the Elite at this conference? That Flint? Yeah, he was sitting at my table while I went through all the cupboards in my kitchen trying to find the cookies that Falkner had hidden again. I probably looked about seven different kinds of crazy.
“What’s the plan for tomorrow then Morty?”
“Huh?” I was contemplating calling Falkner to find out where he’d put the tin but I wasn't sure where I’d left my phone.
I'm pretty sure that Flint was trying not to laugh at me. I mean, seriously. I'm playing host to the final Gym Leader in Sinnoh and their Elite Four representative and I'm talking shit at them instead of doing my job and acting like a responsible adult.
“Tomorrow, before the conference.”
“Riiight.” I was sitting down again. I don't remember sitting down but there I was on the floor at the table. “I don't know, what do you want to do? There’s a lot of shit to see here, old shit. Buildings and towers and Kimono Girls, you’d probably like those.”
“How far is it to the conference?”
“Fifteen minutes that way.” I gestured in whatever direction I thought Olivine was. I was completely wrong, but Flint didn't know that. “Huh.”
“What?”
“I'm really fucking tired.” I said and laughed. I was leaning forwards by then, with my right elbow on the table so I could hold my head up with my hand. I was pretty sure that I was going to fall asleep right there that night. I didn't, but I sure felt like I was going to. I guess I’d just had a busy day.
“Are you just gonna go get some sleep?”
“Yeah, I think I will.” I said. “Did I show you where the spare bedroom was?”
“And the couch, and the bathroom and even the cupboard full of spare bedsheets.”
“Huh, I wonder why I showed you that. I didn't show you my wardrobe, did I?”
“No.”
“Good.” I laughed again. “I swear, in the morning I'm going to get up early and make some breakfast. Shit, did we have dinner?”
“Yeah Morty, we did.”
“Okay.” I think I sort of drifted out of the room at that point. I don't remember my feet touching the ground but they had to be, because I made it to bed in the end. I was lying in bed staring at the faint light coming through the crack under the door; Volkner was about to come back inside. I could see it all happening. He was going to come back up the stairs, sit down at the table and then proceed to smoke his next three cigarettes in my kitchen. I could have stopped him, I Saw it with enough time to stop him. But that meant I had to get up and I wasn't going to do that any time soon. My blankets felt softer than they usually do that night. It was seven o’clock.
So, the next morning. The day of the conference that I've already told you I didn't end up going to. So if I didn't go, you ask, then what did I do? I’ll bet you can guess, right? Anyway. I woke up feeling pretty great because I’d slept so well which wasn't surprising really. I had a shower and did a head-count of the Ghosts sleeping on my floor; all there. I got dressed and went out to the kitchen to start breakfast. I wasn't joking the night before. I mean, I might have been fucked up but I'm smart enough to know that I hadn’t really made the best first impression that I could have.
I hadn’t really made a first impression at all. Falkner had dragged me to Olivine to pick up two foreign guests and instead of being normal and saying ‘hi, welcome to Johto. I’m Morty, the leader of the Gym in Ecruteak. It’s a quaint historical town where so many of our regions myths started and I help with that research. I specialise in Ghost pokemon and I’m constantly trying to improve my still somewhat limited future sight’. That would have sounded impressive. Look at it, I mean it’s short and straight to the point and I look like a normal person. You know what I did instead? I almost fell off the docks because I was following Gengar and I forgot that he can balance in mid-air.
I went out to the kitchen and stared into the fridge. There weren’t as many eggs left as I thought there were so I decided that I’d go without an omelette and took out the plate of leftover chicken from the day before. I’d started up the rice cooker before my shower so I just stood there, wondering what they even ate for breakfast in Sinnoh. Omelettes seem pretty universal though, don't they? You really can't go wrong there.
“Hey there, Morty. Remember you’ve got some houseguests?”
“Yeah.”
Suddenly, Flint was awake and looking over my shoulder.
“Eggs, huh? Nice. Man, you were fucking wasted last night.”
“No, I could still get up. That was nothing.” I threw the fork I’d been using to whisk the eggs into the sink. “Does the kitchen smell like cigarettes to you?”
“Nah.” Flint said as he finally stepped back out of my way.
“Huh, you guys must be good friends, right?”
“Why?”
“Well, for one you asked if you could stay in the same place as him so obviously you’re not so hot on any of the other Sinnoh leaders,” I was talking while I started the omelettes, I poured half of the egg mixture into a pan with some butter. “And you just told me that he wasn't sitting in my kitchen last night chain smoking when he was.”
“Huh, wow,” Flint laughed. “This is that Seer bullshit, isn’t it? I’m impressed.”
“Even if I hadn’t Seen it,” I said, turning away from the eggs for a moment so I could prove the point I was about to make, “He left his teacup full of ashes on the table.”
“Shit, he did too.” Flint gave me one of those ‘what can you do about it’ shrugs. “Nice logic though, I don't think you finished a single train of thought last night.”
“That’s not surprising.” I said. I flipped the first omelette over onto itself and dropped a large spoonful of rice into a bowl. I flipped the eggs out on top of it and handed the whole thing to Flint.
“Thanks, man.” He looked surprised by my ability to not burn my own house down.
“Chances of Volkner being awake in the next three minutes?”
“None. Days off he’ll sleep until one in the afternoon if no one wakes him up.”
I took that to mean that I should make my own breakfast first. I didn't bother heating up the chicken, I just took it back to the table with my rice and sat down.
“The conference is starting tonight with the general meeting at three o’clock.” I explained. “Then after that there’s your choice of three lectures to go to, I can't remember what the topics are. Gym Maintenance is one, I’m not going to that.”
“Maintenance? Fuck, do they know Volkner practically built his Gym from the ground up?”
“Did he?”
“Yeah, it’s pretty amazing. I mean shit, you’d think the guy was a qualified engineer or something.”
“He’s not?”
“Fuck no, it’s all self-taught. He was always into all that technology crap but shit, he gets bored so Sunyshore gets solar-panel roads. He gets bored again, he sets a series of gear traps in the Gym without using any real blueprints. He gets bored again so he starts replacing sections of the roads with newer panels. It’s madness.” Flint was explaining. I was only half listening because I had a funny feeling in my stomach; something strange was going to happen. Not strange, either, worse than strange. It wasn't that something bad was coming because I can feel those moments long before I even See them. Falkner was fine. My Ghosts were fine. I was fine. But I had this strange feeling that something was going to happen that would disrupt the entire afternoon.
“What the fuck are you guys doing?”
Volkner had gone for a walk around Ecruteak alone. He said he wanted the time to himself before he was forced to spend the rest of the day with a bunch of people that he didn't like or want to like. I think he just wanted a chance to tear through some cigarettes; I’d told him he wouldn’t have the chance to step outside once the conference started. That funny feeling? It turned out to be because of Flint. While Volkner was out walking and Flint was distracted with the tv, I was in my room sorting out some shit. And when I say that, I mean I was rolling a couple of joints to take with me to the conference because there was no way I was going to sit through that shit entirely sober. And yeah, I’d told Volkner he wouldn’t get the chance to have a cigarette. I was from the hosting region, I could just spout some bullshit about needing to set up something for the next lecture if I needed to. So I thought I’d shut the door, hadn’t, Flint’s come along, laughed at me, the next think I know, we’re sitting on the couch staring at this old movie on tv as if it’s the best thing we’ve ever seen. That’s what the fuck we were doing when Volkner walked back in.
“Flint?” Volkner said.
“Yeah?” Flint replied slowly.
“Fuck you, man.”
“What?”
“Fuck you. I though you quit smoking.”
“You can't talk, pal, you smoke a pack a day.”
“You know what I mean, Flint.”
“No I don't.”
“You said you quit that shit when they bumped you up to the Four.”
“Yeah, I did, but y’know, it’s only sometimes. Like, really rarely now.”
“Fuck you.” Volkner was apparently very fond of the word ‘fuck’. I watched as he reached into his jacket pocket and put a cigarette in his mouth; he had to go back to the pocket for his matches but I didn't bother telling him not to. It wasn't as if the room wasn't obviously filled with smoke already. That and I was busy staring at this commercial for some new kind of soda. “Morty,” He said sharply.
“Yeah?”
“Olivine. Which way?”
“Head West out of town. Follow the path.”
“You sure?”
“Of course I’m sure. Just relax, look, I’ve got plenty more if you want some.”
Volkner had a strange look on his face, like he was torn between joining us and leaving so he didn't look like an idiot for making such a big deal of it in the first place. He left, just like that. He didn't even say anything else. Flint told me later on that he was probably pissed off because they didn't have the time to get wasted like that together anymore; I get that. They’ve been friends for as long as either of them remember so for Flint to just go and start up again like that, with me no less, Volkner probably did have a reason to get pissed off like that. Like I’d be pissed off if Falkner suddenly decided that he didn't like the idea of me smoking weed anymore. I’ve told him that though, he can tell me to cut back and he can tell me he doesn’t want any himself, but I don't think this is even the right analogy, is it? Fuck. Sorry.
So it took us about ten minutes to realise that if Volkner was leaving for the conference then we probably should too. I mean, one missing person? That’s not suspicious. But two missing from the biggest event that the Leaders all attend? That’s getting suspicious. I had a funny feeling that it would be even worse because Volkner would be turning up without Flint. Or me. And considering that I was playing host then someone would probably think that something was wrong, right? So we finally got up off the couch – that was hard, believe me – and collected everything that we’d need; pokeballs, wallets, my pokegear and Flint’s poketch. Which was kind of awesome, by the way. I spent about ten minutes trying out all the applications on it at one point and almost broke it. Don't ask how I almost broke it, I look like enough of an idiot in this story already. From there things just got a bit worse. And I know you're thinking that I still have to fill in the gap between this bit and us not making it to the conference and I’m getting to that, okay? Give me a second, I’ll be back to finish this, I need a break.
Wow, okay. So the story of how me and Flint got lost in my Gym. That’s what I was going to tell you. Right? If it wasn’t, too bad, that’s the one I want to tell. It was kind of my fault really because I'm the one that was supposed to know how to get places in my own house but I got us lost because we went through the wrong door. Like, instead of ending up outside, we ended up in the Gym. And I don't know if you’ve ever been to my Gym but I’m going to assume that you haven’t and tell you all about it anyway. I’ve got one of the best Gym trap set ups this side of Kanto. It’s all dark and spooky and my Ghosts just play there all the time because I let them. I don't like keeping them locked up in their pokeballs unless we have to go somewhere. Like right now? Right now the Ghastly are downstairs and Haunter is doing something in my bedroom that I probably have to fix later and Gengar is sitting next to me being a huge fuzzball. His head feels like carpet sometimes, when he’s feeling solid. But my traps are pretty great and everything, I can't tell you the secrets to it but there’s a maze and you have to get through it all without falling off the edge of the path or you die. You don't die. I'm just fucking with you. But it’s a really good system and I like it.
Of course, being the fucking lunatic that I am, I forgot the one key element to my Gym. If you fall off the path, you have to start over. See, I can follow this train of thought and I'm so fucked up right now that you wouldn’t believe it so keep up. Me and Flint started at the back of the Gym. Not the front. If we jumped off the edge we could have gone back to the start, and the front door, in about three seconds. But we didn't. Do you know why? Because I’m a fucking moron. Excuse me. (I found him watching the news. I think he started this six hours ago. He was laughing at a report on babies being murdered in Saffron coinciding with a spike in chainsaw theft. I’m so sorry he’s a madman. –Falkner.)
Ignore Falkner’s two cents. I was laughing because of the report before that. Me and Flint spent the afternoon trying to navigate our way through all the haze and the dripping downpipes and the Ghosts laughing at us. Flint fell over the edge at one point and I grabbed him because I thought he would die. Yes, I was that fucked up that day, I forgot the mechanics of my own Gym. I spent ten minutes trying to save him because I didn't want to be responsible for the death of a Sinnoh Elite Four. Who would? Eventually we stopped and I have no idea where we were, just that we were in my Gym. Flint is a pretty mellow guy, really. He’s got a temper but I never saw any of that, we were too wasted and only proceeded to get more fucked up when we decided that we were lost for good. Because that’s what you do when you think you're going to die in a dark room without a floor and you’re silently freaking out in your head because you have just enough self control left to know that you don't want to embarrass yourself any more. Isn’t it? Seriously? You can’t really blame us, it’s not as if we went into this situation completely sober and then just decided to get fucked up for the hell of it. We thought we were going to die. No, seriously. Falkner laughed at me. Volkner laughed so hard at Flint making such a dick of himself that he burnt a hole in his jeans with his cigarette. It was Falkner that found us, by the way, later on that night. I don't know what happened at the conference but he was worried enough that he came back here with Volkner to check on us. We were lying on the pathway when they turned up. I couldn’t move and Flint was only able to get up because Volkner dragged him off the floor. They left me there, by the way.
It was all a bit of a non-adventure in the end. Falkner stayed the night after he made sure that his guests were doing okay by themselves. I think he just wanted the chance to yell at me as soon as I woke up. He did, and I kind of listened and told him that I wouldn’t miss another conference like that but I also reminded him that I do have a tradition of never making it all the way through them. Which I don't so we decided that I’m going to try to make it to the next one. Falkner decided that. I didn't want to agree on it because the thing is that if I don't go to the next one, I lose all sorts of privileges that I don't want to lose. Apparently Volkner had an alright time at the conference in the end, although he spent most of it outside because he’s not allowed to smoke inside. Actually, I'm not supposed to smoke in my Gym, am I? Shit. It’s a special effect, if anyone asks. I'm going to send Flint a Christmas present this year, by the way. He needs something to make things more interesting while he’s just sitting around at the Sinnoh League, right?
Why is that so petrifying? I’m not worried about losing my Gym. I'm not worried about the funding I get being lower again this year, I’m doing pretty well in that area. I mean, I’m doing well because I don't repair minor damage because I feel like it adds to the atmosphere and everything. What? I run a Ghost Gym, I’ve got to at least try to make the kids scared. I'm not worried about all these fancy Leaders coming in from Hoenn and Sinnoh. Why should I be? I can't even think of any other towns with as much history as Ecruteak. I’m sure they exist, I really just can't remember them. Anyway, that thing I'm scared of? I’m worried that I’ll fuck up in from of all those other Gym Leaders. Last conference I spent the whole ‘this is how you keep your wins up’ lecture staring at the lighbulb above the podium. At least it looked like I was paying attention. That is until Falkner accidentally elbowed me when he moved and I started laughing. He escorted me out of the hall and made me sit on the floor outside until I calmed down. I never heard the end of that lecture.
I know how it’s going to end. I really do. I'm going to make an idiot out of myself but it’s going to be worth it. The Leaders start arriving tomorrow. They’ll be staying in the towns around Olivine, because that’s where it’s going to be held. But I can't tell you the whole story before I’ve lived it, can I? Because sometimes I’m wrong. Maybe I won't make an idiot out of myself. Maybe something will stop me from looking like a moron at the conference. Maybe.
Okay. Wow. I didn't make an idiot out of myself at the conference. Do you know why? I didn't even make it to the conference. And before you start, all ‘oh, look, Morty slept through it again’ or ‘oh look, Morty got trapped in the vortex of infomercials again’, I didn't. At least not the whole time. I can't help it. I like infomercials. I don't ever buy anything from them but I fucking love the idea that they’ll give you extra shit for free. I bet it’s not free, I bet they charge you for it somehow. But anyway. The conference.
From what I hear it went pretty well and everything, so Falkner says anyway. He won't tell me if anything important or interesting happened because he says I should have been there and that I let Ecruteak down because I let my personal life get in the way. Which isn’t entirely true because he’s pretty involved in my personal life and he made it to the conference just fine.
I was playing personal host to a couple of guys from Sinnoh. Because the Gym’s living space is pretty small when you think about it I was only going to take on one of them, but they said that it didn't matter and then did some kind of rock-paper-scissors game to see who had to sleep on the couch. The redhead lost. A couple of their friends, other Sinnoh leaders were in Ecruteak as well because when the conference was being organised I volunteered Eusine’s place without asking him. I thought it was funny, he didn't. But he had the leader from Oreburgh, Roark, I think it was, staying with him as well as one of the girls from Hoenn. Falkner was against the whole ‘leaving me on my own with two out of town leaders’ thing for obvious reasons. The obvious reason was that he personally hadn’t checked my spare room in months but I'm sure that was just because he couldn’t remember if he’d left anything in there or not. He hadn’t, as it turned out. The less obvious reason was that one of them wasn't even a Leader; Falkner didn't want me to make an idiot out of myself in front of the Sinnoh Elite Four representative. I did.
“So this one is my room and that one is the spare room and the couch is back there and I think I'm going to make some tea do you want some?”
Flint and Volkner just stared at me when I stopped in the hallway. I just stared back. Someone would have to say something eventually, right? And besides, I’d asked the question. If they didn't answer then they’d look like the morons. Bigger morons, anyway. I’d known them long enough to walk back from Olivine and I was already spouting bullshit.
“Yeah,” Volkner replied slowly. Or maybe I just thought he said it slowly. “Which room was yours again?” He sniggered.
“That one’s mine and that one’s where you can sleep.”
He was baiting me. I walked away then because I really wanted to make the tea, I really just felt like I needed it, you know? Maybe you don't. But I needed the tea so I walked away; at least it looked like I was just giving them space to settle in. I heard them muttering to themselves as they walked back down the hall a few minutes later, it was something about Johto being warmer than most of Sinnoh, I'm pretty sure Volkner lives by the ocean though so I don't know what that was about.
“So, Morty,”
“Yes?” I pushed two of the cups across the table. Gengar walked through the wall that lead to the hallway outside; I guess he was going to play with the other Ghosts downstairs in the battle arena. I didn't mind. “Oh, shit, are you guys hungry? It’s a pretty long trip from Sinnoh, isn’t it? I’ve got food somewhere too. I know I’ve got cookies but Falkner hid them last night, oh shit, they’re not really for sharing. I have some chicken that I didn't eat at lunch, do you want some chicken?”
They were staring at me again. The chicken comment might have been a bit too much.
“No, thanks.” Volkner said with a smirk.
“I have other shit.” I stood up from my place at the table. The floor seemed really far down that day for some reason. “Like, I’ve got some rice, I've always got rice. Do you eat much rice? I don't know if they have rice in Sinnoh. Me and Falkner are supposed to go to Sinnoh sometime, he’s the Leader in Violet so we’re always fucking busy. And I don't mean that we’re busy fucking, we’re not, you can’t do that while the Gyms are open because I'm here and he’s there and what the fuck was I talking about?”
I was sitting back at the table by then. I didn't do anything, I just stood up and talked and then sat down again. I don't know how they didn't say anything sooner.
“Fucking Gym Leaders.” Volkner said.
“Oh, right. No wait, I was not.” I frowned. “And I’m only fucking one of them, it’s not like, all of them. Did I make you some tea?”
“Yep.” Volker had a box of matches in his hand by then, just spinning them between his fingers and opening and closing the box. It was almost as if he was bored.
“So, like I was trying to say before, Morty,” Flint started. I tried to sit up a little straighter because, fuck, he's Elite Four. Even I know that they deserve some fucking respect.
“Yeah?” I said casually, or I hoped it was casually.
“Are you stoned?”
“Me?”
“Yeah, you.”
“No way.” I picked up my cup. “Don't touch the stuff. Never have. Won't. Is it obvious?”
“Yes.”
“No.” The simple fact that they both spoke at the same time was enough to set me off. I have no idea why it was so funny because seriously, all they did was answer the question two different ways. There’s nothing funny about that. But there I was, collapsed backwards onto the floor laughing like a maniac. Haunter floated through the room then and joined in for a while, I remember he licked my face because it made me laugh even harder. I have no idea what Flint and Volkner did while I was laughing. I think they just sat there drinking their tea and talking about some project that Volkner was working on at home. Apparently he’s refurbishing his Gym again. Apparently he does that a lot.
“So that’s a yes I’ll take it.” Flint was grinning by the time I sat back up. I think I’d been on the floor for almost ten minutes.
“It’s a yes to you but a no to anyone that rings or comes to the door or asks. Yeah, if they ask it’s still a no. Don't fucking tell the Association, I know it’s a weekday but it’s late and the Gym is closed and according to their rules I’m allowed to do what I want when the Gym’s closed. I just forgot that the conference was tomorrow so I forgot that I’d have someone staying here and do you want some tea? I really want to make some tea.”
“Just made it.” Volkner pointed to the teapot that I’d filled earlier and when I looked back there was a cigarette in his mouth.
“Don't light that.”
“What?”
“Don't smoke in the house.” I said.
“What?”
Volkner clearly had a limited vocabulary around people he didn't know too well.
“I don't smoke in the house.”
“Bullshit you don't, Morty. I smelt it halfway up the stairs.”
“Don't smoke tobacco.” I grinned. “It’s different.”
“How is it different?”
“It just is.” I said that like it was an argument worth considering. “Are you sure you're not hungry? I really do have food in the kitchen, or I did last time I checked.”
“Nah, look, I don't seriously have to go outside, do I?” Volkner still had the unlit cigarette in his mouth, I remember that because I didn't answer him for almost two minutes; I was too busy wondering how he wasn't mumbling with it there. “Morty?”
“Huh? Oh, yeah, you do. When you go down the stairs you have to go through the door on the left. The one on the right goes into the Gym.” I said. I thought I did well, remembering all that. Volkner nodded and stood up from the floor, taking his matches and cigarettes with him and leaving me with Flint. You know, the very same Flint that is part of the Sinnoh Elite Four? The representative for the Elite at this conference? That Flint? Yeah, he was sitting at my table while I went through all the cupboards in my kitchen trying to find the cookies that Falkner had hidden again. I probably looked about seven different kinds of crazy.
“What’s the plan for tomorrow then Morty?”
“Huh?” I was contemplating calling Falkner to find out where he’d put the tin but I wasn't sure where I’d left my phone.
I'm pretty sure that Flint was trying not to laugh at me. I mean, seriously. I'm playing host to the final Gym Leader in Sinnoh and their Elite Four representative and I'm talking shit at them instead of doing my job and acting like a responsible adult.
“Tomorrow, before the conference.”
“Riiight.” I was sitting down again. I don't remember sitting down but there I was on the floor at the table. “I don't know, what do you want to do? There’s a lot of shit to see here, old shit. Buildings and towers and Kimono Girls, you’d probably like those.”
“How far is it to the conference?”
“Fifteen minutes that way.” I gestured in whatever direction I thought Olivine was. I was completely wrong, but Flint didn't know that. “Huh.”
“What?”
“I'm really fucking tired.” I said and laughed. I was leaning forwards by then, with my right elbow on the table so I could hold my head up with my hand. I was pretty sure that I was going to fall asleep right there that night. I didn't, but I sure felt like I was going to. I guess I’d just had a busy day.
“Are you just gonna go get some sleep?”
“Yeah, I think I will.” I said. “Did I show you where the spare bedroom was?”
“And the couch, and the bathroom and even the cupboard full of spare bedsheets.”
“Huh, I wonder why I showed you that. I didn't show you my wardrobe, did I?”
“No.”
“Good.” I laughed again. “I swear, in the morning I'm going to get up early and make some breakfast. Shit, did we have dinner?”
“Yeah Morty, we did.”
“Okay.” I think I sort of drifted out of the room at that point. I don't remember my feet touching the ground but they had to be, because I made it to bed in the end. I was lying in bed staring at the faint light coming through the crack under the door; Volkner was about to come back inside. I could see it all happening. He was going to come back up the stairs, sit down at the table and then proceed to smoke his next three cigarettes in my kitchen. I could have stopped him, I Saw it with enough time to stop him. But that meant I had to get up and I wasn't going to do that any time soon. My blankets felt softer than they usually do that night. It was seven o’clock.
So, the next morning. The day of the conference that I've already told you I didn't end up going to. So if I didn't go, you ask, then what did I do? I’ll bet you can guess, right? Anyway. I woke up feeling pretty great because I’d slept so well which wasn't surprising really. I had a shower and did a head-count of the Ghosts sleeping on my floor; all there. I got dressed and went out to the kitchen to start breakfast. I wasn't joking the night before. I mean, I might have been fucked up but I'm smart enough to know that I hadn’t really made the best first impression that I could have.
I hadn’t really made a first impression at all. Falkner had dragged me to Olivine to pick up two foreign guests and instead of being normal and saying ‘hi, welcome to Johto. I’m Morty, the leader of the Gym in Ecruteak. It’s a quaint historical town where so many of our regions myths started and I help with that research. I specialise in Ghost pokemon and I’m constantly trying to improve my still somewhat limited future sight’. That would have sounded impressive. Look at it, I mean it’s short and straight to the point and I look like a normal person. You know what I did instead? I almost fell off the docks because I was following Gengar and I forgot that he can balance in mid-air.
I went out to the kitchen and stared into the fridge. There weren’t as many eggs left as I thought there were so I decided that I’d go without an omelette and took out the plate of leftover chicken from the day before. I’d started up the rice cooker before my shower so I just stood there, wondering what they even ate for breakfast in Sinnoh. Omelettes seem pretty universal though, don't they? You really can't go wrong there.
“Hey there, Morty. Remember you’ve got some houseguests?”
“Yeah.”
Suddenly, Flint was awake and looking over my shoulder.
“Eggs, huh? Nice. Man, you were fucking wasted last night.”
“No, I could still get up. That was nothing.” I threw the fork I’d been using to whisk the eggs into the sink. “Does the kitchen smell like cigarettes to you?”
“Nah.” Flint said as he finally stepped back out of my way.
“Huh, you guys must be good friends, right?”
“Why?”
“Well, for one you asked if you could stay in the same place as him so obviously you’re not so hot on any of the other Sinnoh leaders,” I was talking while I started the omelettes, I poured half of the egg mixture into a pan with some butter. “And you just told me that he wasn't sitting in my kitchen last night chain smoking when he was.”
“Huh, wow,” Flint laughed. “This is that Seer bullshit, isn’t it? I’m impressed.”
“Even if I hadn’t Seen it,” I said, turning away from the eggs for a moment so I could prove the point I was about to make, “He left his teacup full of ashes on the table.”
“Shit, he did too.” Flint gave me one of those ‘what can you do about it’ shrugs. “Nice logic though, I don't think you finished a single train of thought last night.”
“That’s not surprising.” I said. I flipped the first omelette over onto itself and dropped a large spoonful of rice into a bowl. I flipped the eggs out on top of it and handed the whole thing to Flint.
“Thanks, man.” He looked surprised by my ability to not burn my own house down.
“Chances of Volkner being awake in the next three minutes?”
“None. Days off he’ll sleep until one in the afternoon if no one wakes him up.”
I took that to mean that I should make my own breakfast first. I didn't bother heating up the chicken, I just took it back to the table with my rice and sat down.
“The conference is starting tonight with the general meeting at three o’clock.” I explained. “Then after that there’s your choice of three lectures to go to, I can't remember what the topics are. Gym Maintenance is one, I’m not going to that.”
“Maintenance? Fuck, do they know Volkner practically built his Gym from the ground up?”
“Did he?”
“Yeah, it’s pretty amazing. I mean shit, you’d think the guy was a qualified engineer or something.”
“He’s not?”
“Fuck no, it’s all self-taught. He was always into all that technology crap but shit, he gets bored so Sunyshore gets solar-panel roads. He gets bored again, he sets a series of gear traps in the Gym without using any real blueprints. He gets bored again so he starts replacing sections of the roads with newer panels. It’s madness.” Flint was explaining. I was only half listening because I had a funny feeling in my stomach; something strange was going to happen. Not strange, either, worse than strange. It wasn't that something bad was coming because I can feel those moments long before I even See them. Falkner was fine. My Ghosts were fine. I was fine. But I had this strange feeling that something was going to happen that would disrupt the entire afternoon.
“What the fuck are you guys doing?”
Volkner had gone for a walk around Ecruteak alone. He said he wanted the time to himself before he was forced to spend the rest of the day with a bunch of people that he didn't like or want to like. I think he just wanted a chance to tear through some cigarettes; I’d told him he wouldn’t have the chance to step outside once the conference started. That funny feeling? It turned out to be because of Flint. While Volkner was out walking and Flint was distracted with the tv, I was in my room sorting out some shit. And when I say that, I mean I was rolling a couple of joints to take with me to the conference because there was no way I was going to sit through that shit entirely sober. And yeah, I’d told Volkner he wouldn’t get the chance to have a cigarette. I was from the hosting region, I could just spout some bullshit about needing to set up something for the next lecture if I needed to. So I thought I’d shut the door, hadn’t, Flint’s come along, laughed at me, the next think I know, we’re sitting on the couch staring at this old movie on tv as if it’s the best thing we’ve ever seen. That’s what the fuck we were doing when Volkner walked back in.
“Flint?” Volkner said.
“Yeah?” Flint replied slowly.
“Fuck you, man.”
“What?”
“Fuck you. I though you quit smoking.”
“You can't talk, pal, you smoke a pack a day.”
“You know what I mean, Flint.”
“No I don't.”
“You said you quit that shit when they bumped you up to the Four.”
“Yeah, I did, but y’know, it’s only sometimes. Like, really rarely now.”
“Fuck you.” Volkner was apparently very fond of the word ‘fuck’. I watched as he reached into his jacket pocket and put a cigarette in his mouth; he had to go back to the pocket for his matches but I didn't bother telling him not to. It wasn't as if the room wasn't obviously filled with smoke already. That and I was busy staring at this commercial for some new kind of soda. “Morty,” He said sharply.
“Yeah?”
“Olivine. Which way?”
“Head West out of town. Follow the path.”
“You sure?”
“Of course I’m sure. Just relax, look, I’ve got plenty more if you want some.”
Volkner had a strange look on his face, like he was torn between joining us and leaving so he didn't look like an idiot for making such a big deal of it in the first place. He left, just like that. He didn't even say anything else. Flint told me later on that he was probably pissed off because they didn't have the time to get wasted like that together anymore; I get that. They’ve been friends for as long as either of them remember so for Flint to just go and start up again like that, with me no less, Volkner probably did have a reason to get pissed off like that. Like I’d be pissed off if Falkner suddenly decided that he didn't like the idea of me smoking weed anymore. I’ve told him that though, he can tell me to cut back and he can tell me he doesn’t want any himself, but I don't think this is even the right analogy, is it? Fuck. Sorry.
So it took us about ten minutes to realise that if Volkner was leaving for the conference then we probably should too. I mean, one missing person? That’s not suspicious. But two missing from the biggest event that the Leaders all attend? That’s getting suspicious. I had a funny feeling that it would be even worse because Volkner would be turning up without Flint. Or me. And considering that I was playing host then someone would probably think that something was wrong, right? So we finally got up off the couch – that was hard, believe me – and collected everything that we’d need; pokeballs, wallets, my pokegear and Flint’s poketch. Which was kind of awesome, by the way. I spent about ten minutes trying out all the applications on it at one point and almost broke it. Don't ask how I almost broke it, I look like enough of an idiot in this story already. From there things just got a bit worse. And I know you're thinking that I still have to fill in the gap between this bit and us not making it to the conference and I’m getting to that, okay? Give me a second, I’ll be back to finish this, I need a break.
Wow, okay. So the story of how me and Flint got lost in my Gym. That’s what I was going to tell you. Right? If it wasn’t, too bad, that’s the one I want to tell. It was kind of my fault really because I'm the one that was supposed to know how to get places in my own house but I got us lost because we went through the wrong door. Like, instead of ending up outside, we ended up in the Gym. And I don't know if you’ve ever been to my Gym but I’m going to assume that you haven’t and tell you all about it anyway. I’ve got one of the best Gym trap set ups this side of Kanto. It’s all dark and spooky and my Ghosts just play there all the time because I let them. I don't like keeping them locked up in their pokeballs unless we have to go somewhere. Like right now? Right now the Ghastly are downstairs and Haunter is doing something in my bedroom that I probably have to fix later and Gengar is sitting next to me being a huge fuzzball. His head feels like carpet sometimes, when he’s feeling solid. But my traps are pretty great and everything, I can't tell you the secrets to it but there’s a maze and you have to get through it all without falling off the edge of the path or you die. You don't die. I'm just fucking with you. But it’s a really good system and I like it.
Of course, being the fucking lunatic that I am, I forgot the one key element to my Gym. If you fall off the path, you have to start over. See, I can follow this train of thought and I'm so fucked up right now that you wouldn’t believe it so keep up. Me and Flint started at the back of the Gym. Not the front. If we jumped off the edge we could have gone back to the start, and the front door, in about three seconds. But we didn't. Do you know why? Because I’m a fucking moron. Excuse me. (I found him watching the news. I think he started this six hours ago. He was laughing at a report on babies being murdered in Saffron coinciding with a spike in chainsaw theft. I’m so sorry he’s a madman. –Falkner.)
Ignore Falkner’s two cents. I was laughing because of the report before that. Me and Flint spent the afternoon trying to navigate our way through all the haze and the dripping downpipes and the Ghosts laughing at us. Flint fell over the edge at one point and I grabbed him because I thought he would die. Yes, I was that fucked up that day, I forgot the mechanics of my own Gym. I spent ten minutes trying to save him because I didn't want to be responsible for the death of a Sinnoh Elite Four. Who would? Eventually we stopped and I have no idea where we were, just that we were in my Gym. Flint is a pretty mellow guy, really. He’s got a temper but I never saw any of that, we were too wasted and only proceeded to get more fucked up when we decided that we were lost for good. Because that’s what you do when you think you're going to die in a dark room without a floor and you’re silently freaking out in your head because you have just enough self control left to know that you don't want to embarrass yourself any more. Isn’t it? Seriously? You can’t really blame us, it’s not as if we went into this situation completely sober and then just decided to get fucked up for the hell of it. We thought we were going to die. No, seriously. Falkner laughed at me. Volkner laughed so hard at Flint making such a dick of himself that he burnt a hole in his jeans with his cigarette. It was Falkner that found us, by the way, later on that night. I don't know what happened at the conference but he was worried enough that he came back here with Volkner to check on us. We were lying on the pathway when they turned up. I couldn’t move and Flint was only able to get up because Volkner dragged him off the floor. They left me there, by the way.
It was all a bit of a non-adventure in the end. Falkner stayed the night after he made sure that his guests were doing okay by themselves. I think he just wanted the chance to yell at me as soon as I woke up. He did, and I kind of listened and told him that I wouldn’t miss another conference like that but I also reminded him that I do have a tradition of never making it all the way through them. Which I don't so we decided that I’m going to try to make it to the next one. Falkner decided that. I didn't want to agree on it because the thing is that if I don't go to the next one, I lose all sorts of privileges that I don't want to lose. Apparently Volkner had an alright time at the conference in the end, although he spent most of it outside because he’s not allowed to smoke inside. Actually, I'm not supposed to smoke in my Gym, am I? Shit. It’s a special effect, if anyone asks. I'm going to send Flint a Christmas present this year, by the way. He needs something to make things more interesting while he’s just sitting around at the Sinnoh League, right?